I’ve been bad about writing lately. I really wanted to write two blog posts per month. I’ve been writing only one. I’ve been enjoying the warmer weather and I’ve been busy with my kids and all their extracurricular activities. So, I really haven’t had much time to write but I’m going to squeeze this one in for May.
If you read my old blog, you’d probably find something very similar to this one. I use a lot of Barenaked Ladies songs for my blog titles. I have to admit, there was a time in my life where BNL was the only thing keeping my afloat. I often referred to them as my lighthouse leading me home or a life jacket keeping me above water.
Now that I’ve learned how to swim on my own, I’ve decided to let them “off the hook” …. a hook they probably had no idea they were on. With depression, the longer you have it, the more you learn about it and you learn coping skills. They (BNL) were my mine during one of the hardest times in my life. I think letting that dependence go will be giving myself permission to enjoy them for the right reasons.
Of course, they will always be my favorite band! Of course, I’ll listen to them as much as I always did! Of course, I’ll still buy their music and go to as many concerts as I can!! None of that will change. I just want to be a silly ‘fangirl’. I want to enjoy their music the way it was meant to be enjoyed. I will always and forever be grateful to them for pretty much saving my life during those dark times. There is no way for me to repay them for that. NO WAY! I’m alive because of them. For whatever reason their music and my need for them crossed paths at the right time. As I said before… there is no way for me to repay them. All I can do is say “Thank You!” It just seems so dumb. I want to give them more than just a few words.
Once I came to my senses and my major delusional, illogical, unreachable school girl crush on Ed Robertson came to an obviously self-made, heartbreaking, unrealistic, stupid halt…
“You thought that he was wanting you,
but he was only wanting you to let him off the hook”
I knew it was time to let go of the lifesaving hold I mistakenly thought was in his hands. He and his band were my heroes when I desperately needed them…. I think that had me thinking we (BNL and I) were more than just a band I liked and a fan of that band. I mean, come on, who doesn’t want to live inside their fantasies? I’d love to be all their best friends, sing back-up for them ( a woman’s voice would add lot to their sound… yes? no?), or play the cowbell (I play a mean cowbell) with them on tour… but real life doesn’t work like that.
“He was (they were) your imaginary friend,
you were partners ‘til the end,
then something bends,
and then it breaks,
your worst mistake…”
I needed to realize that I am my hero too. I made it through that time. I worked hard at getting better. I went to the specialists I needed to go to, took the medication I needed to take, I worked on my mental health, learned my coping skills and got physically healthier (physical health is so important and it totally play a role with my mental health). I studied about how to get better and so on. I’m STILL ALIVE!! I am my biggest hero! Barenaked Ladies are the soundtrack to my hero story. The only band I’d ever want to be the soundtrack to my life❤️. I honestly think that my story with their music would make an amazing musical or movie that could address the suicide epidemic and help people. Why? Because my story DIDN’T end… that’s the best, most happy ending you could have to any movie or musical! Because all of those suffering…. their stories don’t have to end either. I seriously love BNL’s music and they are amazing people inside and out! They will always be apart of my life. But now I’m giving myself permission to be one of their biggest fangirls with no strings attached. Like I said, they have no idea how much I held onto them in my time of need. They have no idea how much I revert back to them when I’m falling. But now instead of grasping out for them I’m learning to look inside and be my own superhero. Honestly, when I was first learning how to keep myself alive (I feel a Queen solo coming on…… Nailed it!) I was grasping onto anything that made me feel good instead of…. well, dying. Now I can save myself. I can swim without a life jacket and find my own way home. I know, I know my illness could still take me down. I know it can catch me off guard and start pulling me into the abyss. All I can do is put my cape on and keep fighting back. I certainly hope that if it ever gets its dirty clutches on me and I can’t break free that I’m strong enough to ask for help from the other superheroes in my life, including BNL.
Just so you know, I feel great right now! SO GOOD! Mentally I’m in top form…. Physically, meh, I’m working on it 😊 I extended my April goals into May and I’ve done just okay… I’ll do better with my June goals which I’ll post in a few weeks.
This is the song that goes with the title of this post and the lyrics within it. “Off the Hook” by Barenaked Ladies. Its a good one! If your interested in reading about the time BNL saved me I’m re-sharing the post I’d written about that time in my life on my Jane St. Clair blog here http://janestclair.home.blog … It’s very dark! Please read the warnings before you read it. I wouldn’t recommend it for anyone under 18 or anyone in a bad place mentally.